By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs
Let’s reminisce for a moment and think back to who you were before you had a child. What were you into or enjoy doing? Who did you hang out with? What were your hopes and dreams?
Sure, for many of us, the dream WAS to have a family. Whether you are the parent of a child with special needs or not, you took on a brand new identity when you gave birth. In some cases, it becomes a healthily balanced identity between spouse, professional, friend, etc. In other cases, particularly if you have a child with special needs, it can easily and sneakily become your only identity. And not only are you your child’s parent, but you also take on the role of your child’s advocate, caseworker, therapist, assistant in activities of daily living and surrogate frontal lobe if your child has executive function challenges.
None of that is a problem in and of itself. We parents are tough, resilient and are present for our kids. What becomes a problem when we as parents are not there for ourselves. Parent burn-out happens and following that, sadness or even depression can set in.
Not only is it important for parents of special needs kids to prevent their identity from being stolen but also to demonstrate a healthy balance in the roles (s)he plays as a person. Consider what you would want for your own children. For example if you are female and have a daughter and you imagine your daughter grown up and with children of her own. Would you want her to give up all of her hopes and dreams and suffer the same motherhood identity theft? It’s important that we be careful not to model that scenario for our daughters and sons.
Here are three ways to help prevent that from happening.
- Remember that you are an individual with hopes, dreams, and needs of your own. The best way you can take care of others is by taking care of yourself first. We know you’ve heard it, but it truly needs to be a priority in your life. You only get so many circuits to use up in a day and they need to be replenished. Go back to something you enjoyed doing in the past or find something new to do only for yourself. Between the two of us, we dance, play poker and hike, among other activities. Get to the gym, take a class in something of interest or find an outlet that has absolutely nothing to do with being a parent.
- If you are married or in a relationship, remember that you are and have a partner. The quickest avenue to a divorce or a break-up is by neglecting that person who was once the most important person in your life. Get away if you can or at least schedule a date-night that is free of talking about children or problems. If and when the children are able to leave the nest, you will only have each other again. Don’t be strangers when that time comes. If you both are in a place of significant conflict about anything in the marriage, especially the children, get some counseling. Now. Today. Take it from someone who has been there.
- Don’t lose track of your friends. Whether they have children or not, your friends play an important role in your life and your mental health. Nurture those relationships and make the effort to see each other or talk to each other on a regular basis. You will find that there are some friends you can talk to about parenting challenges, or your special needs child, and others will be there for you in other ways. Figure out which are “mom” or “dad” friends and “friend” friends. All of our friends can fill different spaces and needs in our lives.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The first argument that usually pops up is that there is no time, money, or no childcare. To us, that’s kind of a “yeah, but.” Have you really made the time or asked for help or figured out some things to do that don’t cost much or are free? Most of us can make a list of the people who love us. Let them in and let them help.
Maintain who you are regardless of your roles as parent. Let your children add to who you are without completely taking over your identity.
