By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs
An occasional child comes through my door (Donna) that uses their disability as an excuse for poor behavior. “I can’t help it, I have ADHD,” or “I have anger issues.” There have been other kids who seem to think that the social rules of life don’t apply to them. And still, others that have gotten in my face and space and threatened or debated me as if they were not a child and me, not the adult.
I have had circumstances when I am working with a kid who struggles with behavior and is then informed that they have an oppositional-defiant disorder. I do not discredit this disorder, but I have experienced that when a child is told this, they tend to amp up the behavior to a much greater degree. It seems that being told about the diagnosis gave them a license to be even more defiant. I have often watched in disbelief when clear and basic social rules and boundaries are being tromped upon by children, and no one says a word. Adults tell me they are afraid to correct other people’s children, for fear of repercussions. Where did our village go? I remember knowing that every parent in my neighborhood was watching all of us out there, and had a direct line to everyone else’s parents.
There is a line between disability and disrespect. The first is not a choice. The second one is. The first is a reason for some things being more difficult to learn or apply, but should never be used as an excuse to not learn and use manners. I am a mom of two sons who struggled with many things, but being rude or disrespectful to other human beings was not something I ever let slide. And even in the worst of times, they knew better than to ever act in a disrespectful manner.
If we don’t consistently and without fail, insist on children using their manners, disability or no disability, we are not teaching them a vital and important life lesson. No, we can not demand respect or make a child respect us. Respect is a feeling and we have no control over how people feel. Using manners is an action, and we can insist on what actions we will accept in our homes, our schools and in the community.
