Friending the Enemy: When a Bestie Becomes the Bully

By Nadine Briggs

Research abounds in detailing how damaging long term, severe bullying can be to a person. Brain scans show scientifically how bullying can and does negatively impact the brain. Post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD is a real concern for those who subjected to relentless taunts, degrading put-downs or even physical assault. As bad as all that is for those who are bullied, imagine someone who is bullied by his or her buddy. Not only does he or she experience all of the above, but also has to deal with the betrayal of someone he or she trusted to be a friend. The passive-aggressive nature of the flip flopping from nice to mean can be confusing. Sometimes the bullying is disguised, such as a mean remark or taunt followed by a “just kidding,” leaving a person confused about where he or she stands in the friendship.

Certainly everyone has a mean moment now and again. Friends may say mean things to each other and then apologize and move on. Experiencing and resolving conflict is part of a healthy relationship and people are not always going to get along. It becomes bullying when the meanness is more deliberate and consistent and when the apologies stop. We encourage a child experiencing this to confront the friend who has done mean things.  This way he or she can learn to defend his or herself against future issues (only if the child feels safe doing so). In order to approach a person who is acting like a bully, it’s important to take enough time to calm down so as not to respond when emotions are raw. Here is a scenario on how we might coach a child who is struggling with a meanie.  We will say something to the effect of,  “When you are defending yourself against a bully, you want to do your best not to cry or yell. You should try to very calmly, say ‘Hey, I know that you guys all went to the movies without me. What’s up with that?’ The friend will likely feel taken aback and will probably come up with an excuse as to why you were not invited. What the response is from that person isn’t as important as the fact that you called him or her out for his or her transgression. Saying nothing is implied permission that he or she can keep on doing things to you or excluding you because there are no consequences.”

A child who doesn’t have many friends may hang on to this type of friendship thinking that it’s better than none at all. It’s important for a child in this situation to understand that this “friend” is not, in fact, a  friend. He or she is a bully in disguise. As much as he or she does not want to lose a “friend,” he or she needs to separate from another child who is continuously belittling them and/or encouraging other children to do the same. If your child has a “frenemy” he or she will need your help to sort through the passive aggressive nature of the relationship.

It is never okay to be treated badly by anyone, especially someone who calls you ”friend.”