By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs
Parenting hindsight, as any other hindsight, is always 20/20. What do you wish you could go back and say to yourself as a parent? For me (Donna) I wish that I could go back and tell myself to let go of my Mama Bear, not-my-kid mentality, long enough to listen to what other people were trying to tell me. I wish that I could tell myself to move through the pain and denial in my heart around how troubled one of my son’s was at the time. I wish that I could have overcome the shame and embarrassment of the choices he was making that were pointed out to me again and again. I wish I could have said to those people, “I know. I see it too and I’m trying desperately to help him, but I have run out of ideas. Yes. It IS my kid making all these bad choices. There are reasons, but not excuses, as to why he is. The ideas you all are giving me do not help either, so what else can we do?”
Mama bear “push back” to unhelpful criticism and shaming, and providing the extra protection that our kids with behavior-based symptoms need, does have its place. We need to tease out the behaviors that are symptomatic of the disability and behaviors that are clearly choices the child is making. Figuring this out can feel like a big gray pile of mush. This is because if a child feels that the world thinks he or she is “bad” and is consistently delivered that message around symptoms beyond his or her control (impulsivity being the top contender for children with ADHD), then he or she will eventually give up and self-fulfill that label.
Mom to mom, it is really important that we learn how to separate our self-esteem from our child’s behavior. That is the first step to being able to look at your child’s behavior choices, not as a reflection on yourself as a parent, but as either symptoms your child has or choices the child is making. You are not a failure as a parent because your child is struggling. There isn’t any right or wrong to this parenting thing. Rather, ask the question, is what I am (or we are) doing working or not working?
If you feel what you are doing is not working, or getting pressure from school around your child’s behavior, I encourage you to open your heart and your ears. Say to the teacher, administrator or counselor, Yes. I know. It distresses me too. What else do you suggest we do or try?
