Throw Out a Friendship Feeler

Jim: “Wanna come to my house? How about tomorrow?”

Frank: “Um, I can’t tomorrow.  I’m busy.”

Jim: “How about the next day?  Or the day after that?  I’m around this weekend too.  Can you come this weekend?”

How can you tell if someone is being truthful and is just busy or if the friendship has not reached that point where he or she is comfortable hanging out or having a playdate?  This is a hard call to make for all kids and especially true for kids who may have trouble reading social cues.  If a child misreads these signals, he or she may also find him or herself experiencing outright rejection to the invitation.  We teach kids to do something we call “throw out a friendship feeler” and then pay close attention to the response.  Here are some ideas:

“Want to hang out and play some video games sometime?”

“My Dad just put up a new basketball net.  Maybe we can shoot some hoops one of these days.”

“My sister just gave me all her Barbie™ stuff.  I thought you might want to dig through the box with me?”

We all hope for the wonderful responses of, “Sure!  When?” or “Yes!  Let me ask my mom when I can come.” However, if a child is met with a response such as “Gee…um…I’m not sure,” or a similar vague reply, we suggest a child wait a while longer before trying another “feeler.”  If the second feeler is not met with a clearly positive response, a child should leave the door open by saying, “Okay, let me know sometime when you can come over” and then think of another peer to feel out for a play date.