Did you accidentally hit the “off” switch?

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

During a social group a few weeks ago, I watched one of my tween girls shut down in a conversation, as though someone had hit an “off” switch. She was talking about her sadness in having to change schools and how she was going to miss all of her friends at her old school. Right away, I observed that the other gals involved in the conversation began telling her not to worry about it and that she would make new friends. They told her some things she could do to make new friends. They told her not to be sad about it and to focus on being excited about the new school. They were trying really hard to help make her feel better. I watched her face grow sadder and eventually, she just stopped talking about it and began to draw.

I sat next to her and said, “Tell me, who you are going to miss the most?” She told me. I asked her to tell me why, and she did. I then said, “it has to be really hard to leave friends that you know and a little scary at the thought of meeting new people and teachers.” She said it was. I watched her turn the switch back to “on” in our conversation. After a few minutes of talking about the friends she was going to miss, she was ready to hear some suggestions about making new ones.

In trying to help our kids and teens and even our adult peers, when we jump right into problem-solving when they really just want us to listen, we inadvertently turn that switch to “off” and then don’t understand why they don’t want our help. Empathy is the “on” switch.