Why I Don’t Use “Social Role Models”

By Nadine Briggs

Recently, I was asked if I would ever consider having “typical” kids as role models in my social skills program for teens. There are so many parts to the answer that I thought it best to use this blog forum to explain why I would never consider adding kids to my groups who do not “need” to be there. This is true not only for my teen groups but for any of my social skills groups for kids of all ages. Let me preface my response by mentioning, for those who do not already know, I have two teenage kids myself. My oldest, Megan, is 19 and she has Down syndrome and I also have a 17 year old son, Trent. This blog is not about school inclusion, but about the specific reasons why I do not use role-modeling at the social skills groups that I offer. My daughter was in inclusion to varying degrees over the years, but that is a a different blog for another day. Here are the six main reasons why both Donna and I do not use social role models in our programs.

1. What is “typical”? Not all kids who come to a social group have a diagnosis. Does that mean that if a child or teen does not have a diagnosis, that he or she is typical? The term itself is ambiguous. Some kids who attend have been diagnosed and some have not, but all of them need help with friendship skills. We like to know as much as we can about kids when they join a group so that we are prepared to help them through their sticky spots, but it is not required that parents disclose a diagnosis.
2. If just “being around” a role model was enough, a child or teen would not need social coaching. Certainly by the time he or she reaches adolescence, a child has likely been exposed to many kids who are considered “typical”. If he or she has not naturally picked up on social skills by this time, he or she is probably not going to. The kids we work with need coaching to help them connect the dots in social situations. These kids and teens have difficulty reading social cues and will not master social concepts unless they receive specific guidance on the skills that are missing.
3. “Typical” is not “better.” The mama bear in me rises up a bit on this one so I’ll try not to sound preachy. The kids who have been the kindest to my daughter over the last nearly 20 years and who have shown her true friendship were mostly kids with special needs (with a few kids who would be considered “typical” sprinkled in). Megan grew up with many very nice “typical” kids, but her real friends, her true blue, I’ve-got-your back-buddies, mostly have special needs. Many parents push for and wish for their children to be around and have typical friends. For us, we consider all of the time spent chasing “typical” could be better spent on looking for the kids who have common interests and accept your child for who he or she is.
4. Friendship cannot be forced. Programs that pair up a “typical” kid with a kid with special needs certainly have a noble mission. If true friendships form due to this connection, then that is fabulous. In my experience, those program-made connections last only while the program is in session. It might help the “typical” child gain a greater acceptance and understanding of the child with special needs, but my daughter has never gotten a lasting friendship bond from those experiences. Other families may have had a different experience, but this view is based in my personal situation.
5. Kids who attend our centers need to be on someone’s short list. By short list, I mean on someone’s list of who they will invite to a social event, even if it is only a small gathering. These kids and teens need to be on the list of people that other kids and teens genuinely enjoy hanging out with.
6. Be careful what you wish for. “Typical” teens have issues too. Often these issues that they are dealing with are different than the kids at my center. For example, if the teens in my program were invited to a “typical” teen party, they would likely be exposed to things that they are not ready for since most of them have a social maturity level below their chronological age.

Donna’s and my social skills centers are where kids many times find their best friends. A child or teen frequently finds a like-minded kid who wants a buddy as much as he or she does. Once these connections are made, we support them with tips on how to deepen those friendships. That is the crux of what we do, and we both get goosebumps when we see the spark of friendship ignite between two kids. It then becomes our job to help stoke the fire and support the flourishing of a real and natural bond, rather than creating an artificial simulation of a friendship.