By Donna Shea and Nadine Briggs
I (Donna) have personally dealt with anxiety most of my life. I was born with an anxious wiring system. It has ebbed and flowed over the years and is exacerbated by hormonal changes. The worst of it being through puberty, after having children (that time it included severe postpartum depression) and now, menopause.
Up until last year, I pretty much just lived with it. I used a lot of cognitive behavioral strategies and was able to manage it.
And then, I couldn’t overcome it anymore. The anxiety became so bad, that I spent every day Googling the physical systems I was having, mostly around heart palpitations and feeling as though I was going to have a heart attack and die. Every little thing was amplified to the point where I was spending an exorbitant amount of time worrying about my health. I wasn’t feeling good, I was tired all of the time, gaining weight and afraid this was how the rest of life was going to be like and just the way life changed after the change of life. I pushed through for six more months after the doctor reassured me things were fine, but the symptoms kept coming. Panic attacks occurred in the shower every morning and out of the blue throughout the day. It was just…awful.
It started to impact the positive things that I do to manage it. My person, Mike, and I are hikers. I have always been afraid of heights and falling. By planning our excursions around that, I was okay doing a variety of hikes, but never the ones that Mike wanted to do. I would have panic attacks on the mountains when it got too high or too steep or near an edge. Then I became afraid to even be out on easy trails last summer because my heart would do “funny” things, then I would feel nauseous and fearful I was going to collapse out on a trail in the middle of nowhere.
I finally gave up trying to just get by with managing it. I was not only anxious, I recognized that I was growing depressed and losing interest in things that bring me happiness. So, I talked to my doctor again who gave me a prescription for Lexapro. At 5 mg to start, in a couple of days, I was feeling better. She advised me to go to 10 mg after a few days. I tried that the night before a day off because I was not sure how it would work. I’m glad I did that because I slept until 11:00 AM and felt overmedicated. I gave her a call and decided to stay at 5 mg. I have been on that dose since last September. I don’t feel any “different” being on the medication and fortunately, have not experienced any side effects. I can’t describe it except that I just feel “normal” or “right.”
Life has changed completely. I have my energy back and I can shrug off small things and better cope with big things (because life does still hand you big things). I haven’t Googled symptoms since because I haven’t had any. The things that anxiety can physically do to you amaze me. Your brain, continuously causing that overdose of adrenaline to course through your system, can cause you to believe you are truly sick. I just had an insurance physical that put me in the Ultra Preferred health class at age 52. So, um. Yeah. Nothing wrong with me. Thanks, brain.
Here’s an added bonus I wasn’t expecting. We’ve been on a few hikes this season already, and all of them at a level I never expected I would ever accomplish. This past weekend, I climbed up a cliff face, down some vertical ladders and shimmied through caves. And I felt GREAT. My brain didn’t freeze up and tell me I was going to die. It said instead, “You’ve got this. You just need to figure out where to put your foot.” Not only has the medication given me my life back, it has given me more. I felt fearless on that mountain, and I am ready for more adventures.
So why am I sharing this personal info? Because mental health struggles are real and nothing to be ashamed of. Because our brains are organs that have their own issues sometimes and may need medication, much like a diabetic needs insulin. So, let’s be careful not to judge parents who decide to try medication to help their child better function and be able to do the work of being a child without fear or sadness. Let’s also not judge the ones who choose not to. It’s a big choice. I do hope that my sharing this experience gives a little insight to how in some instances, it may be the right choice for a person. The quality of life matters.
