By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs,
We are two pretty fierce mama bears when it comes to our sons and daughter. Surely, the same is true of all mothers, whether your child has special needs or not. Every once in awhile though, a mama bear will get in the very way of the people who are only trying to help her cub. We might refuse to listen to an objective outside observer, be anxious that the people trying to help will be judgemental (which yes, is a risk), or be so stuck with fear for our child ourselves, that we can’t step aside to allow someone to help, even when we bring our cub specifically to that person for help. We may even strike out and make the helper feel bad for not helping, even when we haven’t allowed them to do so.
There are other times when our mama bear behaviors are even overwhelming to our child. For example, I once had a child in my summer program, who had signed up online and through email and I had not previously met. The little one was coming to me for help with shyness and conversation skills. At drop-off, I said good morning and started to introduce myself, only to have mom cut off my words, take the child by her shoulders, turn her towards the kids that were playing and instructed her to go and play. The instructions came non-stop. Mom would ask me a question and then cut off my answer. It was a bit unnerving and frustrating for a first meeting to take that tone.
After mom left, the little girl easily assimilated into playing. She wasn’t at all shy about playing, it was engaging in conversation that was difficult for her. She answered questions when asked and was the bingo caller for us. She just has difficulty with initiating and back-and-forth conversation. As you read this, do you wonder why? At pick up, I was peppered with questions? “Did she talk?” “Did she talk to the other kids?” “She’s been to so many therapists and programs and nothing has helped.” All this, while at the same time, physically moving her daughter to force her to look at me and giving multiple, non-stop commands.
Mama bears, if you are reading this, it is not my intention to ever insult or offend another mom. Connecting the dots and pointing out the obvious is a LOT easier to do as a social coach for children, but sometimes I wish that the helpers I had over the course of my son’s struggles had been more direct with me. I’ve been in those shoes, desperately wanting help for my child, so much so, that sometimes I also forget that I am the one that can provide the most help with a little direction as to how. We mama bears are the experts on our kids, but sometimes an objective expert can see that one little change we can employ to make it better.
In this instance, my advice would have been to encourage the daughter to initiate a conversation or respond to someone socially and try not to force. Converse, don’t command. Stop talking and start listening. Relax mom. You’re doing okay. Move out of the way and give your cub the time and space to respond.
