By Donna Shea
Both Nadine and I are fans of collaboration, cooperation and compromise. However, there are times in our day and in our life when we need our children to comply with our requests of them. For some personalities, compliance is easy. For others, not so easy. If your child has one of the more challenging temperaments that uses defiance or avoidance, here are two simple tips to try.
Beware the “Yes or No” question. “Matty, could you put your shoes on so that we can go now?” “Susie, are you ready to start your homework?” “Ben, could you take out the trash?” In asking these questions, we as parents or adults leave the option open to a response of “no.” The child or teen may be thinking, “No, I’d rather continue playing Legos,” or “No, homework is hard and I hate it,” or “No, I’m busy playing a video game.” When we ask a yes or no question, and the child responds with a “no,” we the adults usually become frustrated, angry or upset. Children who are literal thinkers may become confused by our reaction, as clearly in his or her mind, we have given him or her an option. When you need your child to comply or complete a task, use a directive statement instead. “Matty, it’s time to put your shoes on so that we can leave.” “Susie, it is time to start homework.” “Ben, I need you to take out the trash now.”
Employ Grandma’s Rule. This strategy allows the adult to be positive and still encourage a child to comply with what needs to be done. The language of Grandmas Rule is “as soon as” or “when, then.” “Sure! As soon as your teeth are brushed, we’ll read a story.” “Yes! When the toys are all picked up, then we can play a game.” “Absolutely! As soon as you are ready for school, we’ll have time to stop at the doughnut shop on the way.”
These tips for gaining a child’s compliance are not foolproof for a child or teen who struggles with defiant behavior, but giving them a try may increase your changes of a more positive outcome to your request.
